1 Year Without Pilot

My baby boy Pilot died 1 year ago today and quite honestly we still miss him so much. I think about him often and we like to visit his grave in the backyard. I have a token of my love for him hanging from my rear view window in my car and I take a moment sometimes to touch it and think of him. I almost never cry over him anymore but it can happen if I really sit and think of him and how we lost him.

1 year ago Pilot (my Moonpie) succumbed to cancer. 4 months before he died we found out he had tumors in his leg and we removed his leg in hopes of saving him. We got 4 more months with him until it reached his lungs and we had to put him down. It was probably the hardest day of my entire life, he was my little baby boy and I still miss him sitting on my lap every day after work. He was just so sweet and loved to cuddle with anyone who wanted a cuddle. He will never ever be forgotten, he is in our hearts forever.

 

Advertisements

Life Without Moonpie

399105_10150931336036340_172938196_n

I’ve never really lost anyone really close to me before. I’ve lost grandparents, which was hard but I didn’t spend every single day with them. I’ve had breakups but usually none of them lasted longer than a year. Losing my baby boy Pilot was the most painful thing I’ve ever gone through in my 34 years and I’m still going through it.

I’ve had to figure out how to deal with this pain and continue on with my life. I know it may sound crazy but part of me just didn’t want to keep going without him. You see, he was what I looked forward to every single day when I came home from work. He loved me and never judged me, for how badly I feel about myself I felt ok with him, he loved me for me. Granted my husband loves me for me but the love you have with other people is complicated but the love you have with a pet is anything but complicated.

So to try to deal with the pain a few things have helped for me personally and maybe they can help someone else someday.

First off we made sure we had a last day with him but it was a hard last day as he was really sick at that point. I think Pilot was not well but he was glad to have some time with us, at least I hope that was the case.

When we brought him home after that last vet appointment we buried him in a special place in our backyard. We buried him with a blanket he loved, his favorite “taily toy” and the collar he wore when he went outside. That next weekend we picked up a bush and some plants to put around his grave, they’ll bloom in the spring. I have had a hard time going to his grave though but I know it will be something I’ll cherish eventually.

I also made sure to write about him and my feelings, I want to remember what I went through, I don’t want to forget it. I’m going through pictures and videos I have of him and plan on putting them all on a DVD. I even picked out a song for him. Haven’t been able to work on the pictures yet, it’s been too hard.

Also I ordered myself a necklace from etsy for myself and I hang it from my rear-view mirror so I can see it everyday. I even have a stamp of his paw from before I plan to someday get as a tattoo.

Pilot Charm

Being open about what I was going through online and to family and friends helped a lot. I got some wonderful cards and gifts that helped me with the process enormously. Grief is a very personal thing and we all go through it at our own speed but it helps having people care.

I still think about him every single day and it’s hard to explain what I feel, it’s a bit like I’m in this mixture of denial and depression, sometimes anger. Can you go back and forth between different stages? When I think that he’s gone I can’t help but feel it’s not possible, he can’t be gone forever. I can’t fully accept that I’ll never see him again, which makes it all that much harder. For all the pain I’m in now I don’t regret any of the time I got to spend with Pilot, I was very lucky to have him in my life. I read recently that grief is the price we pay for love and it’s worth it.

Goodbye My Baby Boy

I had no choice but still I had to suck it up and do what was best for the sweetest little furboy on the planet. My little guy who has given me so much happiness over the past 9 years, I had to let him go. He’s been such a fighter his entire life because I believe he really wanted to live and wanted to be with us. He loved his life.

When we first got him.

When we first got him he got a scratch on his eyeball, we have no proof but it was probably caused by Aurora. We were told he would have a 50/50 chance of losing the eye all-together and he recovered completely.

His poor left eye.

Years later he was sitting on our bed and I was petting him when he suddenly cried out in pain. I looked closer under his fur and found a huge gash on his side, I was in total shock. It was 10:00 at night so we rushed him to an animal emergency room. It turned out he had been cut somehow (probably another animal from outside) and now had an abscess. They had to keep him overnight to clean it and stitch him up. I happened to be home from work that week so I got to sit with him all day long as he healed and we bonded like never before. I think at that point he realized I was his mommy.

Snuggled with mummy.

Several years after that he had a urinary blockage, which is deadly in cats. Luckily we caught it right away because we noticed a difference in his behavior. We rushed him to the doctor and changed his diet and he came through like a champ!

Back on my lap again.

Pilot has always been an adventurous cat. Many times he’s stayed outside long past his bedtime, once he stayed out for a day and a 1/2! He loves to get on top of things, into things and genuinely loves everyone.

Can I go out and play now? Please?

Wandering the neighborhood.

Chasing a chipmunk.

On top of a canopy.

Bust most importantly, he loved us…even Aurora.

A rare moment together.

To fully express Pilot and what he meant to me isn’t even possible so this will be the best I can do for now. I have a page for him on Facebook (The Fighter Pilot) and there I can share pictures from over the years and remind myself of what a wonderful 9 years I had with him and I wouldn’t take it back for all the pain I have to go through now.

On Monday September 17th we had to say goodbye to him and he died in my arms. I was his mommy and he was my little boy. I miss him so much and of all the cats I’ve had in my life I’ve never connected with a cat like I did with him. I miss him every second of the day and would do anything to have him on my lap again or looking at me from the floor like he needs a cuddle.

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart).

Goodbye my Moonpie.

His last moments with us at home.