Where We’ve Evolved To

Where We’ve Evolved To

love-is-the-beginning-of-the-journey-its-end-and-the-journey-itself-quote-1

Hint: None of it is good.

We still love each other and want to be with each other but I feel like that is really all we’re holding onto.

My husband is sick but I feel like he is using it as an excuse more often than not. I have a lot of lower back pain but it rarely stops me from doing what I need to do.

My main issues with my husband right now are as follows:

  1. He’s miserable and feels the need to express it all the time on repeat. Everyday I hear on repeat “I’m so tired” “I’m in a fishbowl” “I hate this so much” and that’s mostly all he says. I keep telling him, please, try to keep some of it to yourself because it’s lot for me to deal with all on my own and he says he’s sorry every time and then does it again. On top of being miserable he won’t try to do anything to resolve it, he only wants to complain. I tell him if his new meds are so awful then message your dr and tell him but no, he just wants to complain.
  2. His whole entire life revolves around me and while I like to spend time with him with the way he’s been lately every minute extra I spend with him the more I am annoyed with him and am starting to dislike him. I want him to have more and to do more for himself. I realize he’s tired all the time but I wish he could try a little harder.
  3. Our relationship has become codependent (and yes much of this is my own fault) because I live in constant fear that something else will fall apart. I can’t handle anything else breaking down at this point because I’m barely holding on. I ask him to do just a few things and he can’t manage them at all and then I just worry that we can’t make our life work anymore. I need him to just manage the dishes more than like 1.5 times a week. I need him to help making diner a little more, push himself just a bit and I am happy to help as much as I can but I’m not the cook so there is only so much I can do.

I’m not ready to give up but sometimes I feel I’m just stuck in this situation the way it is and it’s just going to continue to erode. I can’t always tell if the miscommunication or difficulties from him are about his illness or if he’s just changed because of everything over the years.

I don’t feel like right now I have any options at all. I can’t leave him because I’d miss him terribly and I do believe he’d crumble without me. I feel like staying makes it seem everything is ok the way it is but nothing is ok. I very often feel alone in this relationship.

Advertisements